im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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