i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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