There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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