I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It's official drugs can't kill me
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
