Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
