i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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