it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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