I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
