can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
