guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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