I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
