Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
