okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
