you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So vagazzling was a success
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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