Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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