I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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