all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You're like the curious george of whores
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
