and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
