I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
