Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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