This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
