I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I cut my penus on the lid.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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