First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
