I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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