i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
