the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
