You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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