"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
