Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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