I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
