A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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