She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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