I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
