I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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