I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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