They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
