Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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