i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
