im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
