apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
