Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
