My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
