I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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