I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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