i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
