I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
