she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
