just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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