i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
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