I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
