i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
